If you can design your second husband, you can design your second career (Kerstin’s story)
One of my clients chose me because I explained my methodology for designing the second half of a career. The word “design” cliched the deal.
You see, what I didn’t know at this time was that this client knew a great deal about design. She had designed her way out of tricky situations and into better situations all the way through her life from early childhood.
She’d sought out better, different and kinder situations for herself and everyone around her. By the age of 56, she’d designed a life for herself that was very different from her starting point.
And she sought me out from the other side of the Atlantic because she didn’t know how to design her next career move to make the most of the rest of her working life. And we worked together on The Personalised Redesign programme to discover her Superpowers, get crystal clear on her Kryptonite and decide which Superproblems she wanted to focus on.
Over the course of our one-to-one sessions, she unveiled one of the most impressive stories of design that I have EVER heard - about designing her second marriage. I was so filled with admiration that I asked if she would tell you the story of how she deliberately designed a dating programme for herself that found her the man of her dreams.
Here’s Kerstin’s story.
Read Kerstin’s story of designing a purpose-built dating system that led her to her second husband.
At age 44, I became a divorced, full-time teacher, and single mom of an 11-year-old daughter living in a small coastal town.
Understanding the problem first
It was a time of deep reckoning - how had I contributed to what went wrong in my marriage? What did I want going forward?
I took about 18 months to myself without dating to sort out my head and heart, reading dating books, listening to the (horror) stories of divorced midlife friends.
While I knew I was capable of living an extraordinary life on my own, my heart told me I wanted an epic, sustaining, joyful partnership, so I set out into the forest (just kidding - a forest would have felt so much less scary than the modern dating scene!)
Research
Since I am basically Hermione Granger, I began by reading books and articles to get the lay of the land.
The last time I'd 'dated' (if you can call 'just hanging out and maybe we are a thing now?' dating) was when I was 25 years old. Pre-cell phones. Pre-internet. Pre-mom body.
Well, books and articles only get you so far.
I created some basic safety rules to protect myself and especially my daughter (she would not meet any men until I found THE one - a boundary I highly recommend) and off I went!
Unrequested anatomical photos
Set up a profile on Match, eHarmony, OK Cupid. Got a SLEW of unrequested anatomical photos (egad) but I knew I was dating for CHARACTER above all else, a filter that helped me choose whom to meet for coffee. During daylight hours. Having texted my best friend my plans and location just in case. See? Safety protocols!
Once the ball was rolling, it became a process of tuning in to my instincts, and setting up horse blinders to protect me from my own idiotic tendencies to fall in love immediately. How did I do that?
One of the dating books I read advised keeping a spreadsheet (I know - sounds cold and calculating but it's actually warm and calculating - ha! Because my goal was worth applying my focus and reflection.)
Experiments - Dating in multiples
Once the ball was rolling, it became a process of tuning in to my instincts, and setting up horse blinders to protect me from my own idiotic tendencies to fall in love immediately.
The other advice that saved me from becoming a romantic film stereotype was dating more than one person at a time. I would not fall in love with Monday Ralph if I knew there was a Thursday Joe waiting in the wings. It's a really savvy move for us romantic types - and making notes in the spreadsheet after every date kept the pro-con observations front and center rather than swept aside in a puff of dreams.
At one point, in the first six months or so, I took a dating break. It can get exhausting bringing your open, vulnerable self into the fire hose blast of other people's psyches!
The list
As I enjoyed the quiet and got back in touch with what brings me joy, I lit a candle and wrote out, in detail, exactly what I wanted in a partner. It took a couple hours - and I came back to it the next day to see if it felt complete. Yup. I put that list (it became The List) and tucked it away in a file folder and did not look at it again.
There's something about clarity that brings opportunity, and sharpens your ability to recognize it.
sssh…the numbers?
Over the 18 month period I was dating (and I treated it as professionally as a second, full-time job - hired sitters for my daughter, kept the spreadsheets, improved my 'brand' and marketing) I met in-person with 70 men. I'd say about 60 of these were one-off coffee dates.
I found I knew within 5 minutes whether a person was someone I would invest more time getting to know.
There were a lot of men carrying brokenness - sorrow from time lost with their children, bitterness at their ex, a passive sadness as their lives seemed to fall apart. It takes a lot of courage and strength in your own heart to respond with empathy but also set your own clear boundaries.
sssh…new sexuality avenues!
I learned from each one - about my own blind spots, about flirtation, intelligence, guardedness, my own cognitive biases and errors, and new avenues of sexuality (oh yes, that's a thing!
The ten men with whom I had second, third dates and beyond stretched my understanding of their journeys and my own. I learned from each one - about my own blind spots, about flirtation, intelligence, guardedness, my own cognitive biases and errors, and new avenues of sexuality (oh yes, that's a thing!
And Hermione Granger did research into that topic, as well, in partnership with her trusted GYNOCOLOGIST!)
Ultimately, the make-or-break moments come when both people are vulnerable enough to allow sincere intimacy.
The clincher
A dating spreadsheet can be like a best friend, except filtered through your highest values.
All the while, the spreadsheets continued. I never showed them to anyone.
A dating spreadsheet can be like a best friend, except filtered through your highest values. Or maybe it's like your older, wiser self peeking in at your present life and weighing in.
One night, when everything felt up in the air, I spotted a profile that made me smile. Here's this guy on stilts (goofy!), standing next to a small plane (geeky!), and writing about how interviewing his father later in life helped him understand him better (wise!)
I felt drawn to learn more and we chatted a bit by text.
A few days later, his profile disappeared. I carried on dating the Ralphs and the Joes, learning about men, learning about myself, hitting plenty of bumps along the way, but that's how you grow.
Is this a date?
About three months later, his profile popped up again.
I texted him and we met at a comedy show. He thought it was as friends. I thought it was a date. We laughed at all the same bits in the show. He was a gentleman and walked me to my train. I kissed him before scurrying off. That's when it turned into a date for him, too.
He lived a good 50 miles away, so a lot of our courtship was via email.
Testing the prototype
After a few months where things felt good, I decided to throw a challenge at both of us - how about we answer 276 questions by Dr. Robin Smith from the book Lies at the Altar? I mean, what dating couple doesn't want to reveal their innermost, profound thoughts on heavy subjects over a five-month period this way? So fun, right?
Actually, yes.
Very much yes.
Every time I saw an email from him answering about five or ten of the questions, I felt a nervous thrill. Was I about to find the red flag I feared? Would we be incompatible regarding religion, money, politics, the causes we care about?
When I read his answers as well as his responses to my own thoughts, and discovered they were aligned, it was like another part of knitting looped together. If you are a knitter, you know the satisfaction when stitches line up, creating a just-right fabric. That's what we were building - a connection that wove together neatly, stitch by stitch.
I'm actually glad we lived so far apart because our connection grew deeper week by week.
Evolving the prototype
Fast forward to us engaged and living together.
I'm rooting through my file cabinet for something and find The List. I smile, take a moment, and read it. Scanning my words, my body is filled with a sensation like bubbles, sunshine, and harmonic music combined. My fiance embodied every single thing I was searching for!
Wow.
Did it work?
We’re all dying to know…
We are now married. I'm 56, my daughter moved out five years ago and is living her independent life in Los Angeles with great pride.
My husband and I have quarantined together 24/7 for a full year.
While the world became more uncertain all around us, we had each other to turn to. We kept each other's spirits up and I felt gratitude every day - even the crappiest days were better because our partnership gave me a baseline of safety and love.
Learn more about Kerstin
Kerstin has opened shop to help you use 'design thinking' on your dating journey. You can reach her here: Curate Your Mate
