If only they'd listen. How being heard could be enough to transform your career.
Can you be a good listener if you prefer to talk about yourself? Can learning to listen deeply, be key to transforming your enjoyment in work?
In our scrolling obsessed society, I wonder if the world is losing a skill that has the power to transform our careers and our work.
To be heard is a silent deep-rooted need, a yearning.
Eons ago, before Netflix and social media scrolling, storytellers would share fireside stories.
The huddled masses would listen attentively, engrossed in imagining, empathising and ultimately understanding. Legends, morals, lifesaving geography, family history and human insights would be weaved into these stories and passed down generations. No more.
Storytellers are still plentiful.
Listening skills are now quantified by YouTube subscribers.
But what the heck has happened to day-to-day listening?
Are we so busy scrolling, we can’t be bothered listening to each other?
Not being heard has deeper impacts beyond one conversation or one relationship (client insights).
On a recent light at the end of my tunnel call, a potential client mentioned how good it felt to be able to talk about her situation without judgement or interruption. I asked who else she’d spoken to. She said “no one really”. I got curious.
She’d tried to speak to her friends but they seemed to be almost entirely interested in telling their stories, rather than hearing hers.
She told me she couldn’t remember a time when her friends had asked her questions to dive deeper or let her speak more than a minute or so, without dismissing her work worries. You see her friends perceived her as “successful”.
As I probed a little I began to understand her situation.
As I listened more it became clear to me that her friends were taking selfish advantage of one of her strengths - she was a good listener. As the years wore on, she had become so tired of listening without anyone listening back, it had started to grate.
Worse, she’d started to expect it. I probed more. Worse still, that expectation had started to impact her view of the world. She’d almost stopped expecting the world to listen to her and that pattern had begun to play out in her career.
Her company was not listening to her recommendations for change.
In fact, they seem to be dismissing her advice. So she considered moving. She had meetings with competitors but they didn’t seem convinced. Search agents and recruiters seemed uninterested in her value proposition. She had lost her way and no one seemed to be listening anymore. She knew she could find a way, but she needed to find her own way. I offered my promised personalised recommendations to kick-start her career overhaul and we parted company.
But her story stayed with me.
How it feels to be heard.
Listening is a powerful talent.
Sadly in this selfie and scrolling obsessed world, it appears to be a dying art.
But of all the skills we choose to focus on (I recently bought a unicycle!), I struggle to think of any skill that has the power to transform us, our relationships, our careers and, I’m going to be bold here, the world, as much as listening.
Sometimes it’s like we have conversations with earphones in - we’re “listening” but really we’re just waiting for our turn to speak.
Why bother?
Being properly listened to:
allows us to feel deeply connected to another human.
demonstrates to us that we are worthy of time and focus.
lets us to feel heard, seen, and simply...important.
reduces stress.
makes us feel grateful that we are in the listener’s life.
lifts the burden of feeling alone.
releases our anxiety.
encourages us to feel like we are being taken seriously.
makes us feel appreciated.
allows us to feel a little better about ourselves.
INCREASES OUR SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF WORTH (our society is in desperate need of this).
Listening is a giant gift hamper filled with nourishment for the soul. It includes lightening juice for heavy hearts, confidence lifting bubbles and edible nuggets of self-worth.
We get to choose to give it freely. We get to choose to whom we offer this gift.
Giving it to no one is narcissistic behaviour. If we practise that for long, we’ll get deselected from work or life friendships that we thought were fun (but they didn’t).
Giving it to everyone will end up with us feeling like a wet rug of exhaustion that everyone else is trampling on.
We get to choose to learn the skills to be able to offer giant hampers of self-worth to anyone we choose. Because EVERYONE in the world needs and desires to be listened to.
Selectively offering high quality listening gifts to your boss, your peers, your competition, our collaborators and your team will result in very powerful, deep, AND memorable relationships. Relationships that can transform your job, your performance, their performance and your future career.
Listening differentiates you from the competition - for free (client story).
If there ever was a way to sink your competition in a fair way, for free, listening is the way to do it! Check out one of my client’s stories who discovered that one of her strengths set her apart from all the rest.
Another client discovered that listening was underpinning two of her Superpowers. She ran a small, innovative engineering and construction business. She sold her products and services to big wigs in utilities companies and government agencies.
We had our deep dive session - an integral part of the first step in the Speedy Sherpa programme where I help clients discover their Superpowers.
She continually glossed over her successful sales techniques, which entirely separated her from competitors. After digging deeper she boiled it down to her ability to “being fully interested in the individual and listening patiently without using the word I”. This was a deep strength of hers, not a Superpower but boy did it enable her Superpowers.
Here are two of her Superpowers:
Creating a deeper connection than most, with almost anyone, from the first moment we meet.
Winning over anyone I choose to win over.
The financial success of her business was founded on her ability to listen in a way that creates a deep understanding of her clients needs, their personal and business needs. By deeply listening, she knows how to sell her products and services in a way that connects personally to their unique situations. She does this so well, with ease that she considers it to be “the fun game of work”. What a way to feel about work.
How it feels to be heard at home (teenage daughter alert!)
I tried out a new listening technique I learned about on a recent podcast with my teenaged daughter with surprising results.
My teenaged daughter and I share some of the same traits - we’re calm and positive most of the time but sometimes our inner Celtic feist appears. If our individual feistiness is unleashed simultaneously, things can get a bit...explosive!
During lock-down she had the opportunity to join a small group of children across UK on an experiment led by the owner of my book publishing business, Richard Hagen, with the potential aim of writing a book on childhood learning during the Covid years.
It was a marvellous opportunity but stress was to be found everywhere in our home around that time.
Two parents working full-time from home and two children home-schooling, ageing parents needing support, wider family and friendships wanting and needing more communication than ever before. Oh...and a faceless monster of a virus waiting around every corner. Our home was overwhelmed.
In a moment of teenaged clarity - my daughter decided that this experiment was “boring” and “useless”. You can imagine that I had an opposing opinion.
I’d very firmly decided that it was going to be “a magnificent opportunity” to try something new and to “learn differently”. Two elements of life that I value highly. Needless to say our opinions were not aligned.
Much eye-rolling ensued. Along with a little bit of shouting and multiple door slams. Over the course of a few days we’d reached a stalemate. It just so happens that I’d learned about a technique for negotiation on a podcast around that time and decided to put my Celtic feist to bed and give it a go.
The extreme listening technique - An experiment:
A (angry teenager) tells B (annoying mum who “always makes everything so boring”) everything they are are feeling about the problem
B listens so hard she writes down the key points of A’s argument
B replays all of the noted points back to A
Reverse.
Repeat.
As my daughter (A) told me everything she felt about the experiment, she cried, got angry but watched curiously as I (B) “weirdly” noted down her major points. I let her say everything she had to say.
Then I repeated her points back to her. I could almost have cried myself as I watched her shoulders drop, her tears dry up and her breathing slow. I learned a great deal more about how she felt in that 5 minute process than I had over the two previous weeks! And I had much more understanding and empathy for her position when it came my turn to speak.
I handed the pen and paper over to her. On one hand, I was using this as a negotiation tactic but on the other, I just wanted her to hear me out. To listen to my viewpoint without so much eye-rolling and huffing. I realised I had some important things to say and I desperately wanted to be heard.
It felt weird but she completed the exercise, and I felt she’d heard a whole different viewpoint that was more about taking opportunities in life rather than staying where we are. I felt she heard one of my life lessons - without me preaching. It made a big impression of both of us - although I’m not stupid - I expect it’ll never happen again.
However, I’d done my best to really listen to her and she had gifted me the same experience.
She is still carrying on with the experiment, with intermittent grumpiness, but undoubtedly, we’ll hit another breakpoint soon. I’ve not tamed the Celtic beast in her, nor would I want to. But I’m going to keep trying to listen more attentively to her. And hope she might still hear me through the slammed door!
How to know if you’re useless at listening
Most of us think we are better at listening than we are. Listening is a skill, we know that. But maybe I’ve underestimated you? Maybe you’re a really good listener? Here are a few hints that will tell you if you’re listening skills need work:
You impatiently wait for the speaker to finish so that you can say what they need to hear;
You think “this is going on to long” and try to interrupt move to the point that is more interesting-to you;
You use the word “I” as soon as they finish speaking;
While they’re still speaking, you are planning to say what they need to know using the word “I”;
While they’re still speaking, you stop listening because you are structuring what you’re going to say;
You have your phone in your hand - but only look at notifications!;
You allow notifications from twitter, instagram, Linkedin and Facebook on your phone;
You try to spend this “down time” planning what you need to do next;
You don’t ask questions because they’ll just drone on about feelings when you just want the facts;
You don’t ask questions because otherwise this will go on forever;
You totally avoid ask clarifying questions;
You start coming up with a solution the moment you hear the problem;
A few ideas: How to get better at listening to unstick your career
If your listening skills could do with an upgrade, here are some tactics that will get to moving - who knows what direction it might take your career?
Ask questions, then shut up.
Ask questions to go deeper. Ask questions of your colleagues. In board meetings. With your boss. With your team. As questions when speaking to recruiters, to your competitors, to your suppliers and collaborators. Ask questions of people you admire, of people you are afraid of. Ask questions of your children.You’ll find ways to make a difference in ways you’ve never thought about.
Allow silence.
Most people, especially introverts, need a second or two to pull their thoughts together in order to be able to articulate them. You’ll get faster, quicker if you let others formulate their thoughts. They may never have said what they are about to say before out loud. It might be worth the wait.
Put your bloody phone away!
Are you joking? You leave your phone on the table in front of you, face-up, when you’re trying to have an important conversation? How does that feel when you’re saying something important to someone and they check out their phone mid-sentence? We humans can’t listen properly while reading. We have to stop doing one to do the other.
Turn off your bloody notifications!
Yes, I know you’re waiting for that call that will transform your career, but do you really need to be notified that Wiggle’s new 10% off sale starts tomorrow?
Look in their eyes.
Try to read how they’re feeling - not how you’d feel in that situation.
Show them you want to hear more.
Now, I don’t mean for you to force some weird body language - if this person is important to you, just WANT to hear more and your body and actions will tell them that. If you don’t want to hear more, your body and actions will tell them that too! If you don’t want to hear more, maybe ask yourself whether this is someone you want in your life anymore?
Shut up! And then talk.
We humans can’t speak and listen at the same time. Try it.
Less solving, more suggesting.
A study at Harvard analysed nearly 4000 professionals who were being trained on their coaching skills to understand the difference between the great and the average listeners. Contrary to the belief that good listeners don’t speak, one of the most surprising elements was that the great listeners gave suggestions and created an interactive conversation. The difference was that they created a supportive, cooperative climate for open, honest conversation and any suggestions came from a place of curiosity, deep understanding and support. That’s mightily different from “jumping in to solve a problem” the second you think you know what they should do!
Get rid of the word “I” until you learn the craft of listening.
It’s not about you, it’s about them. You’ll learn a great deal more about the situation. About them. And ok, also about you.
Be the most interesting person in every room by being honestly interested in someone else.
You’ll end up being the most memorable person in most rooms. I guarantee it.
Find good friends and colleagues who are also learning deeper listening skills and practise together.
Energise and clarify their thinking. Imagine the impact of being surrounded by great listeners at work and in life. You can make that happen.
Who wouldn’t love a boss, a team, a business partner, a life partner or a friend who really practises the art of listening with them? Who wouldn’t love to leave a conversation with someone feeling higher self-worth, feeling more confidence and clear about themselves and feeling like they’ve had an uplifting, satisfying affirming conversation, something memorable.
Imagine how differently we’d feel about “networking” if we were being given hampers filled with self-worth nuggets, confidence-enhancing salads and glasses of personal appreciation.
Suggestion: The very next conversation you have, try one of the ideas that surprised you in this article. Then email me your thoughts. (Lucia@Midlifeunstuck.com)
Try me out
The reason I offer my 30min Light at the end of the tunnel calls for free (£150 - if I charged by the hour - which I don’t) is because sometimes half an hour of listening with the promise of a couple of personalised suggestions is enough for individuals to articulate aloud for the first time how stuck they are and to decide to make the necessary changes.
