Louisa Clarke
The Relationship Between Boundaries and Pissedoffness
Louisa Clarke is a consultant, facilitator, and restorative practitioner specialising in high-stakes communication. She helps leaders in values-driven organisations navigate difficult conversations, heal ‘stuck’ relationships, set boundaries and lead with integrity. With a background in voice coaching and psychology, she brings clarity and impact to leadership communication. Follow Lousia on Linkedin.
Are you constantly exhausted, frustrated, or just generally pissed off with people at work?
Are you job hopping hoping that each change will give you a better workload or culture?
Are you feeling a lot of resentment in your life?
Then you might be suffering from a lack of boundaries.
Louisa Clarke is a high-stakes communication consultant who talks with us about why it is so hard for us to set boundaries, how to recognize the signs that we aren’t setting boundaries soon enough, and a tip on how we can start to improve the boundaries we set.
Let’s Dive In:
[00:47] The Reason We Have Trouble Setting Boundaries
[01:22] Types of Boundaries: No and Need
[03:00] The Consequences of Unclear Boundaries
[05:30] Recognizing and Addressing Resentment
[07:06] Practical Steps to Set Boundaries
If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my Life Satisfaction Assessment. It's a 30-minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you down. I call it Derailed and it's a fabulous place to begin a joy-at-work redesign.
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The Relationship Between Boundaries and Pissedoffness with Louisa Clarke
Lucia Knight: I bet you know someone who regularly suffers from excessive workloads. Someone who, no matter who they're employed by, they seem to always work long hours, or work in cultures or for bosses that mean they have never ending workloads. Louisa Clark, specializes in high stakes communication consulting and facilitation, and she believes that unclear boundaries are at the root cause.
And she certainly knows her stuff, having recently worked with the likes of Welsh rugby and Welsh football. In the first of two episodes, we discover how unclear boundaries lead to pissed offness and resentment at work and what you can do about it.
The Reason We Have Trouble Setting Boundaries
Lucia Knight: Louisa, why do we humans find setting boundaries at work so tricky?
Louisa Clarke: Okay, I think boundaries now are a real buzz term, right? We know we should have them. They are that thing that gets talked about, we know we ought to have boundaries, like having firm boundaries, we need to be boundaried, like that's really celebrated. But the reality of actually what setting a boundary means is much less culturally celebrated, right?
Because really, if we think about setting a boundary, We are talking about probably inconveniencing somebody else.
Types of Boundaries: No and Need
Louisa Clarke: I talk quite a lot about there almost being two kinds of boundary, one boundary being a no, right? Someone's asked you if some something off you and you say, no, you, I'm not able to do that.
I can't meet that deadline. I can't come to that thing. I can't take that piece of work on, or whatever it might be. It's a no. And that's inconveniencing the person who has brought that to you, right?
Or the other type of boundary might be a need, right? I need this thing. Here's something I need to be able to do this.
I'm noticing that I need our meetings to definitely stay to an hour of time on a Tuesday afternoon or whatever it might be, right? So the need that you have is probably also inconveniencing somebody else. And we have a really hard time internally with the feeling of inconveniencing somebody else. So as much as we know that these are things now that we ought to have, The reality of actually going to set one is why we find it so difficult.
Generally, people like to be liked and it's very celebrated to be easygoing and likable and dead easy to get on with and laid back and straightforward. Like it's lovely to be all of those things. It's really lovely. Yeah, culturally it, it feels less lovely to be thought of as difficult or to be thought of as a bit inflexible. So it throws up a load of stuff inside of us that relates so much to our conditioning, particularly for women. And it's that internal struggle that goes on around, I'm going to inconvenience other people by setting this boundary that very often means we don't do it.
Lucia Knight: Oh, yes. I've not thought about it that way, but I particularly like the two types. Okay, that's landed with me.
The Consequences of Unclear Boundaries
Lucia Knight: But what are some of the results that you see in your daily work, helping people to get clear around unclear boundaries, particularly thinking about professionals at a midpoint in their career.
So typically late thirties, forties, fifties, something around there.
Louisa Clarke: Exhaustion. If people aren't setting boundaries or don't know how to, or don't even realize that maybe they could be, usually they're nearing burnout, if not already there. They are exhausted. They're normally pretty pissed off with people, others in their work. If we're honest about it, they probably don't know how to put voice to that in the space in a way that's healthy.
So they go home and their partner or family or friend or whoever hears a lot about these people that they work with, but they're never taking it to the space where they could actually make a difference. So yeah, being a bit pissed off around it all. Resentful. Resentment is a huge one for me. There's a great quote from a psychologist whose work I really like, which is resentment is a sign that you didn't set a boundary early enough.
Lucia Knight: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yes.
Louisa Clarke: Resentment is a sign you didn't set a boundary early enough. So actually, if you are constantly exhausted, frustrated with other people at work, if you are job hopping, actually quite a lot, and each time it's because you feel like you're always put upon or you're spread too thin or the culture here is just a nightmare.
Everybody works too late. Everyone does this, that, the other. You keep finding yourself actually in that pattern, then it might have a look at what's going on. And am I actually advocating for what I need or am I setting no boundaries whatsoever, being spread far too thin, getting exhausted and assuming if I change job, that will change. When actually maybe what we need to do is change our own relationship with boundary setting and learn how to communicate them.
Lucia Knight: And I definitely see that a lot. Those repeating patterns that actually it feels like we always end up in these situations. When actually the problem isn't necessarily the environments that we end up in.
We, or you're telling us. That in your work, you can trace that back to unclear boundaries. Wow. If someone is listening to this episode and recognizes just that pattern that we've talked about, or any of the patterns that you've highlighted today, and they recognize that in themselves as someone who might be suffering from unclear boundary setting.
Where can they start figuring out how to become better at it?
Recognizing and Addressing Resentment
Louisa Clarke: Okay, I would say the very first step to take, the very, very first thing is simply to notice that resentment.
Lucia Knight: Okay?
Louisa Clarke: notice that that is coming up for you. So if you consistently leave a meeting with a particular colleague or with your boss or somebody in your team, whoever it might be, and actually you've got that trace of resentment.
Just notice that notice the pattern in that, bring it into awareness that is what's going on and then validate it. We are very quick to just move on to the next task, put it down, roll our eyes, think, Oh, for God's sake, this just happens every time. Or, you know, think, or I'll be moaning about that one over a glass of wine tonight.
Right. And then crack on. And what we forget to see is that we have agency and we have responsibility within this. We get, we have both of those things. We have choice, but until we can see, ah, hang on. I always come away from that conversation feeling annoyed. I always come away feeling resentful. I always find myself saying yes to takes taking stuff on knowing in my gut, I'm really pissed off that I'm saying, yes, this doesn't, this isn't serving me.
And I want us to get really clear here. Of course, there is a difference between the boring parts of your job that just inherently are. a part of what you have to do. It's a different quality of feeling when actually A boundary has been crossed, a boundary that you have is being crossed, but if we haven't communicated that boundary, then the first thing we've got to do is get clear that is why we're experiencing the feeling that we are, and that feeling is giving us really useful information.
Practical Steps to Set Boundaries
Louisa Clarke: So yes, step one, the first step to take is to notice that resentment, validate it. Your body is giving you really, really important information. And then get really curious about. How your relationship with that person could improve as a result of actually naming what is difficult.
Brené Brown has an amazing, acronym for this.
She talks about getting big. As in B. I. G., she'll ask herself in a scenario that she can feel isn't serving her. What are the boundaries that I need in place to be within my integrity? There's the I. And to be generous towards you. Because let's be honest, if you're not setting a boundary and you're leaving every meeting with a particular colleague feeling a bit pissed off and done too and overwhelmed rather than actually having a voice and equally meeting them somewhere where your needs also get factored in that is going to cost in terms of the quality of that relationship.
What would it be like to be able to turn up to that weekly meeting with that boss or team member and think I know exactly how to advocate for what I need here. I know that the needs I'm asking for are in alignment with my integrity. And I know that if I get seen and heard on that, I'm going to feel really generous towards this person.
Lucia Knight: And things will change.
Louisa Clarke: exactly and things will change as a result. So yeah, notice resentment, validate it and get curious about what it would buy you to actually get big with that person, to actually name that boundary, share it with them. Because of what it will bring for both of you within your relationship.
Lucia Knight: If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my Life Satisfaction Assessment. It's a 30 minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you down. I call it Derailed. It's a fabulous place to begin a joy at work redesign.
